More ups and downs

Feels like it should be Friday already and it's only Wednesday! Been a massive week at work. It's all going well and I'm loving it but it's pretty full on. Got 2 new massive projects starting up which I am looking forward to... I think! 

Been a crap week so far eating wise though. Way to much for dinner last night and I had a binge today. Been feeling a bit sick too. Just a head cold but makes me feel lousy and haven't done all my exercise. Did manage to get up and do an easy workout this morning though and played super hard at basketball which is good. Actually looking forward to running in the morning! Hope I feel up to it! 

Jillfit today is still about insecurity. I have to name 3 situations where I felt insecure, threatened, upset or disappointed. Hmmm...

1. Where I feel like someone at work is getting what I think I deserve or getting put ahead of me or just plain doing really well or better than me

2. When I feel like Greg doesn't care about keeping our house nice and I feel like I need to badger him to help out our clean up his stuff

3. When I'm out and other people who are much smaller than me are discussing how fat they are or how much weight they have put on our just even how heavy they are and without fail I am heavier than then and likely will always be as I am so much taller

4. When others are complaining about something outside our control like how bad the reffing is at basketball or some moron politician 

5. When people are taking about politics or musicians or actors I know nothing about

Ok so that is more than 3. Oh well. Now I guess I am supposed to start being aware of the situations. Next step is to work out why i feel like that apparently. 

The view from my workout this morning:

Up, down and now back up again!

Was a little bit rubbish today and yesterday. Woke up after the party a bit hung over, also with a cold and just feeling lousy. Needless to say I didn't do my exercise. I didn't eat too badly. But wasn't great either. Also didn't manage to get up this morning. Still feeling pretty sniffly and rubbish.

Feeling like I did better than normal though... I didn't binge at lunch, just had sushi. And just did a workout. Going to have to shuffle my days around this week as I didn't do Tuesdays one but at least I did something. Looking forward to getting up tomorrow and getting back into it properly.

I forgot to write about Sunday. Greg and I took parker for a massive walk and stopped for a picnic. It was lovely! My legs felt great after my big run, but they were pretty tired and sore on Monday.

Today's Jillfit is about insecurity. I have 3 questions to answer:

1. What's the most important thing I want to achieve out of my weight loss journey?
To lose enough weight that I don't feel and look fat any more - let's go with 10kgs.

2. Why is that important? What will it mean when I achieve it?
So I can feel good about myself. So I am healthy. So I'm not the fat one in the group (I'm already the tall one, don't need to be the fat one too). So I can wear whatever I want. So people will look at me and see a tall pretty woman, but a fatty. So I can look good on the beach. So I can look like the wife I want to be for Greg. So I can look good in my holiday photos

3. Is there a scenario where I may not achieve this but I will be ok?
Yeah. I won't be happy about it. But I will be OK. I will just still be fat and I will feel gross and disappointed in myself but I will be OK.

Phew. That was quite hard. Especially number one.

I can walk

Actually pulled up really well after my 12 km run last night. Woke up feeling pretty good. Did some work then Greg and I took parker for a really long walk and he even went for a swim. I think he loved it. And I did too. We walked for about 2 hours.

Went to a friend's party tonight and I did well. Took it easy on drinks and nibbles. And then was good when we continued on for pizza for dinner too. Pretty happy with myself. Prob drank s little too much but much less than normal.

Jillfit today is about brutal honesty. Here we go...

If left to my own devices, I would spend all day doing this: reading my book and pottering around the house and maybe crap movies

The 3 adjectives I hope to portray in the world & to others are: happy, relaxed, friendly

An example(s) of when I was each of those 3 things is: ???

I feel the most fulfilled and excited about life when I am doing this: following through on my plans

Besides fiction, the genre of book I am most interested is: fantasy

In times when I am obsessed with food or binge, the #1 reason I do this is: because I can

When I feel uncomfortable in my skin, in that moment, I feel: awful, shy, introverted, want to hide

I feel most beautiful when I am doing this: eating well and exercising and not being a lazy slob

I know this positive quality about myself (I don't need anyone to affirm it): I have long legs and am normally positive about situations

Hmmm... Will read through that again tomorrow when not so tired and not a bit tiddly :)

Wonder if I will be able to walk tomorrow?

Knackered! Had a pretty Damn good week. Work is ruling. I exercised plenty, including 2 evening ones when I didn't get up in the morning. I even ate well. And it wasn't even all that hard! Feeling a little tired and cranky. But that's too be expected. Quite pleased with myself!

Got up and did some work this morning which had been hanging around for ages. Didn't do enough but made a stay at least. Was planning to go for a 12km run but it was pouring down. So i put it off. Then we were out and about doing errands and finally got home around 5. Was feeling so tired after putting the groceries away and just wanted to collapse with wine and cheese. Instead I went for a run. I started out thinking I will just go for a little one. Then I was aiming for 5km. Then 8km. Then 10. Once I hit 9 I though 3 isn't much more so I pushed through to 12km. And it felt good! There were times I struggled (the first few kms were so slow) but mainly I powered through it. So glad I went even though I am exhausted now and my glutes are so sore I'm not sure I will be walking tomorrow!

My mindness exercise for yesterday was to be aware of my feelings and try determine what caused me to feel like that. Thinking about today I got quite upset and angry at Greg a couple times. Looking back I think it was due to me thinking of all the things I need to do and not having time. And also being annoyed at myself for not keeping on top of my work like I should. And the messy house. The may house Greg can contribute to resolving but the others are up to me to either do myself or all for help.

Oh and also I'm just really tired and low energy from the change up to doing more exercise and eating less. That will get better though. It always does.

Mojo is Back!

Had a much better last few days. I think the main instigators were being organised, and drinking my water. When I look back at my "fails" after a big success, for pretty much every one, I've been disorganised and have stopped drinking water. Add this to being tired or hungover, and it's pretty easy to see why things have fallen by the wayside. It's so much easier when you are in that state to eat comfort food, and order if you have nothing in the house. Going to the supermarket it way too hard!

Anyway, this week have been exercising and eating much better, and I'm feeling good! I've also stumbled across Jill Fit (http://jillfit.com/) and signed up to her 10 week mindset course. It's probably just another "get rich (or thin) quick" scheme, but I like some of the stuff she is saying. I know how to exercise, and know what to eat. What I can't seem to get consistently correct is my mind. Apparently for this I get an email a day, and some exercises to do.

The first email was about Trust. Basically trusting the process more, and giving up some control. This is something I struggle a bit with. I feel like if I give up control, I will go out of control and eat everything (which is essentially what happens when I get unorganised). She says if I give up control, then I also give up the food controlling me. Hmmm... Anyway, the exercise is to write down the 3 most terrifying outcomes that might come to pass if I give up my control over food, then think about them and determine if I can deal with the outcome. Here we go:

if I give up my control over food...

1. I won't think about what I eat and will eat way too much meaning that I will get even fatter - I can deal with this outcome - I already have! It's not good, and I don't want it but I can deal with it.
2. People will see how much I eat and think I'm a gross fat pig - this is harder. I often hide what I eat from others. If I give up control, then does that come out? Not sure I am ready to deal with it.
3. Can't think of #3

I kind of get it. Giving up my control is not a free ticket to easy anything, and even if it was and I did nothing really really bad will happen. And maybe if I give up control then I will stop obsessing and thinking about food so much and it will lose its control over me. Let's hope so! 

Lost my Mojo :(

Well, I had one awesome week. I did so well, dropped some kgs and felt amazing! Then we had our Christmas in July party. I even did super well at the party - didn't eat much fondue and had a sensible sized meal. I did drink a lot though. Anyway, woke up the next morning feeling proud of myself, then proceeded to completely self-sabotage. So dumb! For the next week I proceeded to eat anything and everything I could put my hands on. I'm now right back where I was 2 weeks ago. I'm two weeks closer to Europe, but have made zero progress. Why do I keep doing this???

I'm getting back on track though. I think once again, one of the main causes was not being prepared food wise. We ate rubbish that whole week cos we couldn't be bothered going to the supermarket. We had no meal plan, and nothing to make yummy healthy food. Meant lots of takeaways, buying lunches, and eating crap. So disappointing!

This week however, I'm starting to feel back on track. Still didn't manage to get up on Monday, but at least I got up and did something this morning, and we've had two good dinners in a row. Good healthy and good yummy. The fridge is full with yummy healthy food, which I am actually looking forward to eating. Now just have to stick to it. We've missed most of our opportunity to get in shape for Europe, and the timeframe for Operation Europe is definitely shrinking without progress being made, but we still have 4 and a bit weeks to go. That's long enough to make a difference, and that difference in how we look and feel will make a big difference to our holiday. It's worth 4 weeks of sacrifice. I can do this. Not only I can. I will. I've started already, and continuing now. Going to do the dishes then a quick ab workout which I didn't do this morning. Then bed and lights out before 10:30 so I can get up to exercise in the morning. I loved my run this morning. I really enjoy it. So dumb that I stop doing it...

Go Me!

Feeling much more motivated and back into this the past few days. I've been eating better (not amazing but better!), and have done 4 exercise sessions. Made some stupid excuses and didn't get out of bed to do this morning's one though - was feeling so exhausted after last night's basketball, and bed was so snuggly. I did really enjoy the extra hours sleep! Debating now whether to it after work. I would like to, but there's a lot we need to get done for Christmas in July on Saturday. I just need to make a commitment to it I guess...

Pretty happy with myself at lunch - had loads of opportunity to overeat, but just went home and had my leftovers which were tasty as. Wasn't great at breakfast - had myself a scrambled egg and haloumi wrap. Didn't get up early enough for breakfast. No coffee this morning though.

An update on Operation Europe: first weekly weigh in today. It hasn't even been a week and I'm down 3.1kgs! Yes I know, those first few come off really easily, but still! Feeling loads better. And I have another win - lately I've been wearing my jeans with the button undone, and just the belt done up (shhh... don't tell anyone). Today I have had the button done up all day and it hasn't even been uncomfortable. Amazing what a difference just a few days makes. Need to keep at it - imagine the difference a few more weeks will make! 6 weeks to go today. Can't wait!

Picking up the ball yet again...

I've totally dropped the ball... been lazy, eating too much and just pretty damn useless! Time to get my A into G and get back into it. I feel so good when I am doing well. Today and yesterday haven't been too bad. Exercised both mornings, and ate pretty well - not perfect, but so much better than the past few weeks have been! I'm tired, but I'm feeling a bit better. Looking forward to the well-oiled machine feeling when it's easy to get out of bed and things don't seem such a mission.

I've spent some time tonight re-looking at my goals and making myself yet another geek sheet to try keep focused. We have just over 6 weeks until Europe. I'm going to kick ass and be feeling so good about myself getting on that plane!

My Operation Europe Geek Sheet - can't wait to start filling it in. What a geek!! :)

Some simple things I've realised that I need to remember:

• Parker doesn't have to come with me every morning - it's ok to go for a run without him, and taking him for a walk is NOT an excuse to skip my workout. This morning we went down to the park with my yoga mat and I threw the ball between my sets (or at the top of every other pushup) and we both had a fab time. Yesterday morning I left him at home and he was just fine!
• Drinking water is massive for me - I find when I'm drinking lots of water I am far less likely to overeat later in the day. Seems simple, but often I realise it's water I'm craving far too late. Need to reach for the water bottle first, and if it's empty go fill it up!
• It DOES matter if I overeat - when I take the time to plan and prep and I will do SO much better, and when I eat things which aren't in my plan I undo so much of the hard work I've done, and I feel horrible and like I've let myself down. I tell myself it doesn't matter and I can do better tomorrow. This isn't right - I need to do better RIGHT NOW!

I also need to keep remembering why I am doing this and that there is no more "I'll do it later". I need to do this now, for Europe, and also for the rest of my life. I loved how I was feeling last year when I was focused. Need to get there again - one step at a time - every day be better than yesterday.

I'm looking forward to getting my mind and body back into the right shape. Go me!!